Christmas Wish List

round trip plane ticket to anywhere in the US (more than one is welcome)

external portable drive (as many gb as possible) like this External Portable Drive

anything tinkerbell, jessica rabbit, nightmare before christmas, pirates, luis royo, tankgirl, etc

good lightblubs and some more pretty lamps

phone internet (40$ hook up, 10$ a month)

one of these Things to turn into a closet in my backyard

a tall standing mirror like - this one or this one

money is always good...... paypal, giftcards, etc... amazon also does email-able gift cards, and so do many other places

clothes, shoes, etc (shoes I love. these heels , these boots , and these )

I love this dress 

anything my fav colors: black, red, blue, purple.... pretty much anything but pastels and pink

new pillows, and a new body pillow

paints (acrylic)

canvus, or wood pieces

Painting supplies in general

a printer/scanner for documents

incense and epic air fresheners

I like millions of things....

art, books, and more

Giving Thanks

Occasionally I've been known to poke fun at this Holiday.. After all the way it came about wasn't very Thankful at all...

but aside from all that at my house it is celebrated as a family tradition, a way of saying thank you to the world

I'm thankful for many things...
My family, who makes this and all other Holidays unique in that no one dreads getting together

my few near by friends
and all my far away ones.. all loved dearly

all those I love..

for everything that ever got me to the place and person I am... most of it wasn't easy.. but it made me, me.. and I wouldn't trade that for the world

for my Fav... because you bring light to my life where it would otherwise be dark.. smiles where I'd normally look straight on... and teaching where no one has bothered...

for DangerousDolls for being the only alt girl paysite to be smart enough to hire me and give me a place to express my modeling and get paid for it

for my ability to live as a gypsy

for my new website (http://www.jadedkittykimiko.com)

for everyone that's ever helped me

and to anyone I've ever loved...

I hope everyone's day is great tomorrow...

and if you're a VIP member of www.thedangerousdolls.com
my first professional set goes live

with me sucking a lollipop and working with a grinder in a friend's garage..



PS
by tomorrow I'll have been cooking 4 days for Thanksgiving
so far I've made
pumpkin bread
pumpkin pie from one of our pumpkins, as well as the crust
stuffing from toasted potato bread
and berry berry cobbler

tonight is the turkey
tomorrow is the squish, deviled eggs and other things

I Need

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS

Bored Today....

I made two loaves of Pumpkin Bread
made dinner...
had allergies all day

and now I'm playing a silly game

I'm soo bored I could scream, but I've nothing interesting to say... (otherwise I'd be "annoying" my Fav)


 I need more paints
and more pieces to paint on

I also need a 500$ miracle

I see none of these things happening


I wish I could get away sometimes.... I wish I was being held........
I wish
I wish
I wish

my Fav says if you want something enough you can manifest it....
some days I'm not sure though....

                                                                                                             I think it's just one of those days...

I miss you Fav, wish I was with you..

I Should Be Sleeping

I should be sleeping... I intended to go to sleep earlier, when I said goodnight to my Fav....
but I'm restless.... I'm tired now.... but I wish I where with him instead.... I'd be asleep already if I where with him.... A haunting feeling that came with this morning's dream....


"She watched the way he savored her touch as he rubbed his bristled chin against her palm. The tickle made her instantly hot and aching. Until today, she'd never realized just how lonely she'd been. How much she wanted to be held by someone. No, not someone. Him."

 (quoted from a favored book)

Being held in my dreams, and haunted by the feeling when awake....  I need more paints... More things to paint out... More outlet for this feeling... Or I'm going to start screaming eventually

I can't have what I want at the moment, though I don't know why.... What keeps away???

But I don't understand why there isn't anyone suitable to at least pass the time with....

 Something displeasing about almost all lately... Or all I've personally encountered......... What fate directs these fools to me?

"For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow."

sometimes...........

               I just want.......

                                 what I want.......

and I wish......

 you'd come over already...........

so I know... so you know...

                                                                               so we know....

 I'd even do the Island thing with you

 

You'd have to protect me and all though... Island fear-ness and whatnot

or Here

 

as long as you keep me warm 

 either way I have this thing where

 

&

 

with you

To the rest of the world.... I'm Jaded.... It's true......

but my Fav....

makes me feel like it's the first time my soul's been born

and somethings I can only imagine for now.............

STOP BEING SO FAR AWAY....

the world is in slow moving slivers

there is a man with blue eyes

who wants my heart

and my heart

is determined to go

for my eyes could be blind

but in this not my soul

the man with blue eyes

must open his heart

open his eyes

open his soul

 for mine has abandoned me

and seeks him instead

mine calls his mind home

 I'm lost, I'm lost

but you keep calling me home

I'm cold

It is Dark

I'm so often alone

but neither of us can rest

when you whisper

it is not my ears that hear you

but my heart

when your lips touch mine

your breath steals my soul 

and when your fingers touch my skin

it's like being possessed

or owned

in the sweetest way ever known

"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

Today's Sky

Todays Sky

 

Today's Clover, trying to get my attention

 

I'm tired today, a mellow tired... it's the sort of day I sincerely wish I was in my Fav's lap, laying across him, outside if we'd be in the south...

or on a couch or bed watching movies if it were cold...

he knows me too well... well enough to pull at walls no one else would know are there

well enough to know when I ache

well enough to know what I am

well enough to know how dark I can be

but the light inside

the pervert but craving more than just that side of things.........

ahhhhhhhhh

some days I feel like I fell into the rabbit hole....

I hope I have better luck than Alice...

in other news, here's me today

 

on a side note... totally craving hot fudge sundaes...

I didn't want love

I don't fear to be alone

I've been alone all my life

but at the possibility of a companion, being understood, being loved for who and what I am

makes something inside almost...... vibrate, with the highest vibration

What you find in My Inbox

off my phone

Me: I blogged today, it's cute, everytime I enclude the person that makes me smile (you) someone always replies they are jealous of whomever I speak of.. lol


Fav: were you sweet about me?

Me: Aren't I always sweet about you?? ;)

Fav: Yay!

Me: What's cute is this post is rambling, only one sentence touched on you. lol but some caught it anyway

Fav: You are highly desired it seems

Me: *shrugs* no one really wants me... Just what they think I am or can be.. They want the shell, not everything inside

Fav: I'll take the shell and the inside too!

Me: That is a vury serious statement luv ;) though you'll prolly be the only one that will ever be able to handle me

Fav: I could handle you

 
I <3 my Fav

(picture taken yesterday)

Love As Thou Wilt

I never wanted to love anyone.... Ever.... I find that I often do though..

I often love those who don't love me.... and I don't mean they don't love me at all.. I'm sure they love me in the best ways they are capable of.. for what they want me to be, for something they see in me, for something they get from me....

but none of them ever really love me.... and I do not speak of family, or close friends (those I consider close, not those that consider them close to me)

before I even continue... Loving my body is NOT loving me.....

I'd tell you I'm not romantic.... I typically hate romantic movies.. and it's true.. I can't stand the vast majority of them... but the majority of what I read... romance novels... Figure that one out, I can't... I guess the movies just suck.... or maybe the books are more realistic to people and the way they feel....

most days I don't think anyone can love me... though I'd love, to be loved, for myself...

I'll often say I've never loved anyone who was worth loving... Not for me anyway... I give too much... Get too little... I'm not easy to deal with... Yet at the same time neither am I hard....

the end result... I often wish I felt nothing... but too often I am left with no choice... in the words of The Wallflowers
 "But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me"

I see in colors... I hear the voices... I yearn for bright and vivid things.. as bright and vivid as myself.... but I often find a fear in that yearning... because you never really understand what you lose, as when you've experienced it and it then leave.......... I hate feeling........ It might mean no longer being disconnected, and being connected might even meaning doing what I'm meant to do in life............. but on some level... I hate it, scary shit...

Imora thea mi Savor

God save me from love...........


I've wished those words most my life... but God never does... Fate's source of amusement as I often call myself...

Will it hurt this time? if I fall even deeper, will I be able to find my way out on my own... Will I be left again unloved... or simply loved for something I am not, loved for misconceptions... and leave... I always leave... I never understood why before... Thought it was just the voice in my head... maybe it was... urging me to go find acceptance... real versions of love.... for love, if you were to ask me... has nothing to do with jealousy, pain, or power.... love should be equal, giving, sweet... it can have pain forced upon it, attempts at jealousy and power, it can hurt.... but if it's love then it'd stay it's true form even when hurting...

maybe I'm too much for anyone... lol...
too much contradiction
too sweet, but often too tart
too dark, but so light
too hard but loving
too tough but for some so fucking weak....
too sexual, but never touched

too much, too much

*sigh* I'm ending my sporadic thoughts.... and yes I think that way...

I leave you with a picture took last Sunday, most likely while I was saying something smart assed
(taken between actual photo shoot sets while I was finishing my makeup

PS... one of the greatest statements I've ever heard is "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."

He's so hott It Makes Me Want to Take off My Clothes

I mean it...........

the world has had a slight change... those Lovers I have no longer get pictures..... I wonder if they've even noticed? or miss it?

He makes me want to take off all my clothes, all my barriers, all my walls...

Just strip me down, and in the end for once I won't remain un-found....

 

flashes of skin and silent secret grins

 

hehehe

THIS, is my latest painting (yesterdays)

 

and for anyone who has yet to meet the ULTIMATE brat

this is

Sir Clover Leaf

aka

Clove, Cloves, Clover

 

and as a result of He that makes me want to take of my clothes

lately I'm on fucking FIRE

 

that's it for now

"Because it is meant to be so. 

Our mind goes where it gets best nourished.

Our heart goes to where it gets best received.

Our body goes where it gets healed."

and in you I find all three

I miss you like a Light misses the Dark...

"Monogamy is like saying you'll only eat rocky road flavor ice cream for the rest of your life..."

but what is rocky road ice cream is the only flavor that understands you?

I can't say that I ever could or couldn't be... I've learned better than anyone that I'm capable of things I've never suspected.. I asked my mom today if she thought such a thing were possible for me (being with just one person).. and she looked at me most doubtful until I brought up the point that no one I've ever tried being with ever understood or accepted me for me... They've all loved something they wanted me to be.... She agreed this is one of the main problems of my unhappiness. How could it not be?

I will tell you there is someone in my world right now that I really like... that I knew I liked too much with in two days of talking to them... They make my heart do fluttery things, my skin flush, takes interest in my art and teaching me new things... at my own pace...

That the heart wrenching I experience when I think of them being some other way with me than we are (unless it's more), is enough to make anyone consider if it could be.. Can it be?

I now glow in pictures, more than is normal for me

For all my dark and demented ways you'll find me smiling more now.. Life in ways has a whole new out look, that I've never seen before... and I've never been more excited over it.

I cannot tell you where life is going in these coming months... but I feel the end of this year brings something big...
I also know that once I make up my mind... it's set

Each day this mind becomes more and more set..

I've never known someone that's known me better... I've never known someone that can intuitively know my life and experiences.. not just sexual preferences..