Love As Thou Wilt

I never wanted to love anyone.... Ever.... I find that I often do though..

I often love those who don't love me.... and I don't mean they don't love me at all.. I'm sure they love me in the best ways they are capable of.. for what they want me to be, for something they see in me, for something they get from me....

but none of them ever really love me.... and I do not speak of family, or close friends (those I consider close, not those that consider them close to me)

before I even continue... Loving my body is NOT loving me.....

I'd tell you I'm not romantic.... I typically hate romantic movies.. and it's true.. I can't stand the vast majority of them... but the majority of what I read... romance novels... Figure that one out, I can't... I guess the movies just suck.... or maybe the books are more realistic to people and the way they feel....

most days I don't think anyone can love me... though I'd love, to be loved, for myself...

I'll often say I've never loved anyone who was worth loving... Not for me anyway... I give too much... Get too little... I'm not easy to deal with... Yet at the same time neither am I hard....

the end result... I often wish I felt nothing... but too often I am left with no choice... in the words of The Wallflowers
 "But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me"

I see in colors... I hear the voices... I yearn for bright and vivid things.. as bright and vivid as myself.... but I often find a fear in that yearning... because you never really understand what you lose, as when you've experienced it and it then leave.......... I hate feeling........ It might mean no longer being disconnected, and being connected might even meaning doing what I'm meant to do in life............. but on some level... I hate it, scary shit...

Imora thea mi Savor

God save me from love...........


I've wished those words most my life... but God never does... Fate's source of amusement as I often call myself...

Will it hurt this time? if I fall even deeper, will I be able to find my way out on my own... Will I be left again unloved... or simply loved for something I am not, loved for misconceptions... and leave... I always leave... I never understood why before... Thought it was just the voice in my head... maybe it was... urging me to go find acceptance... real versions of love.... for love, if you were to ask me... has nothing to do with jealousy, pain, or power.... love should be equal, giving, sweet... it can have pain forced upon it, attempts at jealousy and power, it can hurt.... but if it's love then it'd stay it's true form even when hurting...

maybe I'm too much for anyone... lol...
too much contradiction
too sweet, but often too tart
too dark, but so light
too hard but loving
too tough but for some so fucking weak....
too sexual, but never touched

too much, too much

*sigh* I'm ending my sporadic thoughts.... and yes I think that way...

I leave you with a picture took last Sunday, most likely while I was saying something smart assed
(taken between actual photo shoot sets while I was finishing my makeup

PS... one of the greatest statements I've ever heard is "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."